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Climbing Jokes - for life on the ledge

You heard about the guy needing a new brain? Started looking at the samples sitting in their jars. How much for that one he asked. Oh, that one is 6 million. What! That is unbelievable, why so much? It was from a doctor who was very healthy, religious and moral. OK, then how much for that one over there? 2 million. I can't believe that , look, it has some flaky parts, shady and bruised. Well, that one is a fine specimen of a lawyer who made a decent living, only cheated on his wife, taxes and at cards. Well the man was beside himself. Finally he found a moth eaten, tattered little brain about the size of a walnut sitting in a jar of alcohol. How much for that one? 30 billion. Why? It is the worst example and in horrible shape! The Doctor looked at the man and said it came from a climber. So, why so much? The Doctor said, "Do you have any idea how many climbers we had to go through before we found one with a brain?" Peace, Ahabonook in Alaska


You know you are in trouble when you hear........."Hey, which one is my brake hand?"



What's the difference between a Climber and a Golfer? Golfer goes: Whack, Shit! Climber goes : Shit, WHACK!


TOP 10 REASONS CLIMBING IS BETTER THAN SEX...

  • CHOICE OF NOVICE OR EXPERT ROUTES
  • A CLIMB CAN LAST ALL DAY
  • GUIDEBOOKS TELL YOU HOW MANY VISITORS HAVE BEEN THERE BEFORE YOU
  • CAN PICK THE LENGTH AND DIAMETER OF YOUR ROPE
  • THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE BACKING YOU UP IN CASE YOU FALL OFF
  • YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR PROTECTION BEHIND FOR THE NEXT GUY
  • LOTS OF TIGHT CRACKS
  • IT'S NOT CONSIDERED KINKY TO WEAR A HARNESS
  • THE ONLY RUBBER YOU WEAR IS ON YOUR FEET
  • THERE ARE STILL ROCKS THAT HAVEN'T BEEN TOUCHED


TOP SIGNS YOU BEEN CLIMBING TO LONG:

  • You go to church and scout out routes to the ceiling
  • You climb your friends fireplace
  • You know how to get on your roof without a ladder
  • You begin buying your shoes 2 sizes too small out of habit
  • You get mad of having to spend 40 on a pair of Levi's, but don't mind spending 200+ for a pair in Gore-tex
  • You have no idea why your hands are bleeding
  • You aerate your lawn with your crampons
  • Your climbing equipment is worth more than your car
  • You give up a decent job so you can climb more
  • You blow a good marriage so you can climb more
  • Your body is worn out and you need medical attention, but that would take away from your climbing time, so you continue to hobble
  • When you can't climb, you stoop so low as to read rec.climbing
  • You insist on eating out in older areas, since the buildings are more "climbable"
  • Your list of names for future ascents are longer than your list of friends
  • You remember when the decimal system ended in 5.9
  • Your ice axe is made of wood
  • You know you've been climbing too long when you notice that the contents of the relic walls in climbing shops is newer than your own rack.
  • You remember paying 2 for a biner, but had to make nuts because they were not commercially available
  • When walking down a cracked sidewalk, you're thinking, "That'll be a good hand hold".
  • When it hurts to hold onto the steering wheel driving home from climbing
  • You placed anchors on the side of your 5th floor flat so you could sleep on your porta-ledge on the weekdays.
  • You bolted the side of your house and It ended up in a local guide book as a 5.9+.



YOU MIGHT BE A MOUNTAIN CLIMBER IF....

  • You own a 75 dress suit and a 1000 Gore-Tex suit.
  • You have ever frozen your lips to an ice screw while blowing an ice plug at your partner.
  • You have ever used an ice axe to chop weeds in the garden.
  • A Mexican bus driver has ever had to open his window because of the way you smelled.
  • You have more summit pictures than wedding pictures.
  • You've ever had icicles hanging from any part of your face.
  • You can pronounce Popocatepetl correctly more than once in a row.
  • You've ever fallen so far that you've run out of adrenaline before you ran out of rope.
  • You say "Namaste" instead of "Hello".
  • You like the smell of burning yak dung.
  • Your suncream is always in a solid state when you need it the most.
  • What you call cold is not on the thermometer scale.
  • When you hear the words 'nose', 'captain' or 'aid', your hands start hurting and swelling.
  • 'Cos 90' means it was too steep to go and has nothing to do with 1.
  • You arrive at a climbing gym with stoppers and friends still in your bag.
  • You see a girl in the street and you think: "Hmmm, she's a TD+/5.11...".
  • Your definition of a candlelight dinner is: "Thaw the ice with the candle and put it in the bag of freeze-dry".
  • You hear the name "Hillary" and think of Everest instead of Mrs. Clinton and White House scandals.
  • You don't walk down stairs, you rappel
  • You've used an ice axe to clean off the front steps in winter.
  • And finally, you understood all the previous lines. If you even laughed, you should get back to work...


TOP 10 SIGNS YOU PICKED THE WRONG CLIMBING PARTNER:

  • Favorite peak: Top of the Jungle Gym, Filmore Primary School. -sharky
  • My climbing partner has headphones on while on belay and is listening to Beck's " Am a loser baby, why don"t you kill me." -Gary Stevens
  • He thinks a "carabiner" is someone who lives in Jamaica. -Julie Rozen
  • His idea of "taking a breather" means lighting up a cigarette! -Karen Gendron
  • Thinks treeline is the line you stand in to wait your turn for relieving yourself in the woods. -Mike Paggioli
  • What at first appears to be her backpack turns out to be a parachute. -Jeff Schneidewind
  • When told to bring rapelling gear he shows up with 25 cans of bug spray. -Bryan Allen
  • They claim to be an expert with knots, but you notice their shoes are always untied. -Ryan
  • When you are both stuck in a snow storm, he asks "if you don't make it, which part of your body would you like me to eat first?" -Sharmaine Glasford
  • Baggy shorts and no underwear. -Foureagles



CLIMBING'S NOT SO FAMOUS LAST WORDS:

  • I don't need a helmet .Rod Haines
  • Was that "on belay" or "off belay"?Vicki
  • ROCK! Rod Haines
  • No need for protection..it's only 5.11Rod Haines
  • Did you hear something?
  • I'm sure it was this way
  • I'm okay-It's just a little headache..Rod Haines
  • No reason for that,I know where every crevasse is
  • I think the rope made it all the way down???Adam
  • Lets use this rock to rap from, it won't move.Craig Adkins
  • Lets go for the top, we'll get back before it gets dark.Craig Adkins
  • Your on belay... but whatever you do, don't fall!-John Patun
  • Can't be any harder than V.Diff, eh?Dave Virdee
  • Looks pretty crap ice from here. Your lead?Dave Virdee


YOU KNOW YOU CLIMB TOO MUCH WHEN...

  • You look at every vertical surface you see as a potential climb.
  • The neighbourhood kids throw a frisbee on your roof and you go up the climbing wall attached to the house to get it for them.
  • You feel weird when you're not wearing climbing shoes, harness, and full rack of gear.
  • You decide it would be cheaper to buy your own shoe resoling equipment.
  • You never meet anyone you've never met climbing who isn't a first-timer, no matter where you're climbing.
  • You can't remember the last time you did something other than climb on your vacation.
  • You wake up, put on your harness and shoes, and then realize it's a workday.
  • Nobody ever wonders what they should get you for Christmas or your birthday.
  • You solo a two-pitch 5.11 climb just to warm up for the day.
  • You don't bother marking rope and gear so you'll know when it's too old to use, because nothing you buy lasts longer than three months anyway.



TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN CLIMBING BUT AREN'T

  • I'll need plenty of protection for this one.
  • Want to use my rope or yours?
  • Go ahead and tie in while I get my protection out.
  • I hate it when my protection fails!
  • That crack is big enough for your whole fist.
  • I'm getting tired of hanging here, but I want to try it one more time.
  • Better take a good selection of nuts.
  • I wish I hadn't lost that piece of protection in the crack.
  • Make sure you anchor in; I'm a lot heavier than you. and, the number one thing that sounds dirty in climbing but isn't:
  • Wow, what a great crack!


TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR CLIMBING PARTNER MIGHT BE DANGEROUS

  • You often hear the faint clinking of Tequila bottles whenever he racks up.
  • Complains about cigarette burns making his rope "a b#tch" to rappel on.
  • Commands such as "Slack" and "Tension" must often be prefaced with "HEY! WAKE UP!".
  • Always 20 minutes late because he has to unwind climbing rope from Jeep winch.
  • On first night out in double portaledge, awakens you at 3am wondering "hypothetically"if Spectra would be damaged by spilled battery acid.
  • Been known to extol the virtues of the high-speed Dulfersitz.
  • Uses the words "granny knot" and "bomber" in the same sentence.
  • After fifth pitch, asks for water to wash down the Prozac.
  • Mentions wanting to buy new pro while thumbing through Walkhigh Mountaineering sale flyer.
  • Prefers clapping, rather than shouting to give encouragement while belaying


Signs you're not one of the better climbers in town:

  • You climbed 5.8 your first day climbing, and 8 years later a 5.4 lead still scares the bejeezus out of you.
  • You're mad that 5.2 doesn't have the a/b/c/d modifiers for better delineating the subtleties of this tricky grade.
  • You know every pitch and every move of the Nose, but the most you've ever done is scramble halfway up the 3rd class approach, got scared, and climbed back down.
  • The exposure in your local gym terrifies you.
  • The only thought you have before a big climb is "How am I gonna get Joe to lead all the pitches?"
  • You fall off the front steps of the gym
  • You freeze at the crux and the little kids yell at you to "Stop hogging the sliding board"
  • People ask if you're a park ranger.
  • The best finger jam you've had was when you slammed your hand in the car door.
  • You've had to be rescued off a top-rope.
  • Your partner regularly hauls you up on a Z-pully.
  • Favorite call to your belayer: "Tension!"
  • You decide a route is rated 5.2 A0.
  • Can't cross the talus field without a belay.
  • Your team uses you to "test" for avalanche stability.
  • You've chopped the rope with your axe while ice climbing.
  • If you find yourself repeatedly yelling "FALLING!!"...........on the approach.
  • You clip the lead quickdraws at the gym while on toprope and get stuck.
  • Your leg is still recovering from being impaled with your ice axe while practicing "self arrest" on the bunny slope
  • You think "Hypothermia" and "Frostbite" are the up and coming rock groups



Signs You've Chosen the Wrong Mount Everest Guide:

  • The last three days, all you've had to eat is bagels.
  • Every morning greets the group with, "Wonder who'll die today?"
  • Doesn't worry about provisions, as there's bound to be a Starbucks or McDonald's every half mile or so.
  • Gets lost in the "Sherpa Shack" gift shop.
  • Makes everyone do upside down shots off the St. Bernard's collar.
  • First day's preparation devoted entirely to making snow angels.
  • Every 10 minutes, stops and yells, "RICOLA."
  • Throws a fit when her stiletto heel gets stuck in the ice.
  • Has everyone stick their tongues to a cherry popsicle "for practice."
  • Keeps repeating, "Is it me, or is it cold up here?"
  • "Map, schmap -- you see the top from here!!"
  • Two words: Golf Clubs.
  • Forgets to wear socks with his sandals.
  • Keeps using the oxygen tanks to make balloon animals.
  • Every so often, turns and screams, "Stop following me!"
  • Squeezes your ass then yells, "Hey, if we get stranded we can live off Tubby here for a week!"


Top 11 worst things for your belay to shout to you while you struggle with the crux.

  • Falling! Jon Poulson
  • You know, I've wanted to try climbing for years.
  • Hold on, I've got to go pee.
  • My god, you're going to die.
  • Dyno for the jug you can't see!
  • If you fall now you'll deck out.
  • Your fingers must be REALLY aching by now.
  • Hey, I can see right up your shorts from here.
  • Your last piece of pro just fell out.
  • Am I supposed to be doing something with this rope?
  • Hmmm, looks like you read the guidebook wrong, this one's an E7 not a VS.


communication: following are the terms most employed: commands and their REAL meaning

  • (climber) "on belay" "do I tie in with an overhand knot or a clove hitch"
  • (belayer) "belay on" "I'm not ready yet"
  • (climber) "climbing" "I'm having second thoughts about this"
  • (belayer) "climb on" "I'm still not ready"
  • (climber) "slack" "what do you think I am, an eunuch?"
  • (belayer) "slack" "did he say tension?"
  • (climber) "don't give me no slack!" "falling"
  • (belayer) "what?" "did he say more slack?"
  • (climber) "tension" "I'm climbing up the goddamn rope"
  • (either) "shit" "shit"


Two mountainers (got drunk) lost in Alps. Them found a Saint Bernard, with attached rum-buttle in the collar. One mountaineer say to other: - L..oo.ook! The best f...frieend...of pe..ople - Y...eees and what a won...derfull d...og brr...ought it! :o)


Meet two climbers. -Where did you spend your vacation? -In two places, 9 hours in a crack ... and 3 weeks in the hospital...;-)


what was a climbers last words? - Interesting, what kind of knot is it? ?-)



You know you're a trad climber when Courtesy of Trango

  • all your draws are 12" long
  • your kid climbs harder than you do
  • you've worn out a set of cams
  • there is scar tissue on the back of your hands
  • you shave the back of your hands
  • you've got old tape gloves lying around
  • you quit sport climbing because you can't do any of the routes
  • you see lots of sunrises on your climbing trips
  • you say, "what?" when your leader says, "take!"
  • you can wear your climbing shoes all day
  • you enjoy guilt-free eating
  • you don't know what your body-fat % is
  • you ask your partner how much water to bring along
  • you do a first ascent and report the names of both members in your party
  • you drop your belay device and you still know how to belay
  • you read back-issues of mountain gazette
  • you know how to turn a crack 'n up into a beak
  • you know what a beak is
  • you wake up at 2:00am to go climbing
  • your drill uses a hammer
  • you take a nap in the middle of a climb
  • you spend three hours removing a fixed cam
  • you don't want beta
  • you think a bong is a type of piton
  • you remember when climbing gear didn't have springs
  • you take a forty footer
  • you summit a desert tower
  • you still use a gear sling
  • there is a holster on your harness
  • you rappel six pitches in the dark
  • you rappel six pitches in the snow
  • you drill from a stance
  • you own a hammer and a haul bag
  • you have sex on a belay ledge
  • you're on day 2 of a sport climbing trip and you can't remember what you did on day 1
  • you drop your water bottle and it takes five seconds to hit
  • your rack is worth more than your car
  • your best memories are from the epics you've had
  • you have a great day of climbing then find out you didn't do the route you thought you did
  • you spend a night hanging in slings
  • you miss work on monday because you epic'd on sunday
  • a whole block of chalk fits in your chalk bag
  • you dump your boyfriend because he just doesn't get it
  • you wear out a set of jugs
  • you drive all night so you can climb all day
  • you drive all night because you climbed all day
  • you're up so high the trees look like broccoli
  • your rack of pins is heavier than your rack of draws
  • your slings have knots in them
  • you know who larry penberthy is
  • you know the difference between a copperhead and a circlehead
  • you think "beta" is a video format
  • you can shit and and belay at the same time
  • you wear socks in your climbing shoes
  • a long approach doesn't discourage you from a good climb
  • you coil your rope
  • you've set up a belay with the only piece of gear left on your rack


Clues that you need a new partner by TJ Surma

  • As you get ready to rappel down the rope, you look up and watch your partner slowly undo your anchor.
  • As you complete the route (on a top-rope) and you say "I'm ready to come down" your back hits the ground before you can think.
  • Your partner says "Lets call it a day." after climbing for 5 minutes.
  • On a 5.2 route, your partner says, "OK! I'm ready to come down." not realizing that he is still on the ground.
  • He picks a route for you to lead that has 3 pockets that happen to also contain wasp nests.
  • He hates to train or practice because it is too hard, yet he also hates to climb because it is too hard.
  • In the middle of the climb he drops 1 45 cam, 2 8 stoppers, 1 140 rope, OH YEA! and 1 partner.
  • When he hangs on something his arms tear off due to a weight overload.
  • He can do -180 pull ups.
  • His idea of a training day is sitting on the couch with a movie going as he gorges himself with chips and other high fat foods.
  • When in the gym he needs a 100 foot rope so he can reach the snack bar while tied in.
  • Pays 5 to get in to the gym, pays 20 for food.
  • He keeps chips and other junk food in his chalk bag. That's why he always says "Take me while I chalk up!"
  • The only way to untie his knots is with a hatchet.




The top ten reasons climbing is better than love. By James Jay Klavetter

  • The bond between you and your partner is more apparent.
  • Your partnership doesn't often end up making children.
  • Your partner and yourself are doing something together you BOTH enjoy.
  • Your partner usually doesn't throw things at you when there is an argument.
  • Your partner doesn't get mad at you if you forget the anniversary of your first climb together.
  • If your partner leaves you, it is relatively easy to find another.
  • You don't usually feel like jumping off a cliff if you fail at a climb.
  • On most climbs, you can protect against something REALLY bad happening.
  • Communication is easier and surer (even if windy).
  • If there is a fall, broken bones mend faster and more completely than broken hearts.



Why climbing is better than sex. A man's perspective, by John Byrnes

  • When you climb, you only have to get yourself to the peak.
  • If you climb with someone other than your regular partner, no one gets mad, in fact, you can all three climb together and share protection!
  • You can reuse your protection, and someone else even cleans for you, provided you don't put it in too deep.
  • There IS such a thing as being too overhung.
  • You can get belayed without first bekissing.
  • A good hand jam can be as satisfying as any other kind of jam.
  • No matter how many times you fall off, you can always climb back on.
  • Having a belay slave is not a criminal offence.
  • The rocks never expect you to call afterward.
  • Friction is a positive quality when you're climbing.
  • The rocks don't care if you show up late.
  • The rocks don't complain after 7 or 8 pitches.
  • When you're climbing, a good two-finger jam will support your body weight.
  • Your belayer never hesitates when you yell "TAKE!"
  • When you're climbing, weird body positions are considered "cool".
  • The rocks don't scream for help when you try for the on-sight flash.
  • Your climbing partner doesn't complain when you don't want to do cracks anymore and want to do some face.
  • A three-finger pocket isn't too big.
  • You don't have to wait an hour after getting pumped-out.


Why climbing is better than sex. A woman's perspective, by Ilana Stern

  • The rock is always hard.
  • Rocks are never busy watching football when you'd rather climb.
  • Rocks don't complain about the kind of protection you want to use.
  • You can go climbing with another woman and nobody will call you names or hassle you.
  • You can use ropes and harnesses and nobody will think you're kinky.
  • You can go climbing any time of the month.
  • It's over when *you* reach the peak.
  • You won't die of embarrassment if your mother finds your rock gear.
  • If it's in too deep, you can yank on a nut.
  • Nobody ever got pregnant rock climbing!
  • If you need something REAL BIG, you can always put in a Big Bro'!



Excuses

  • Wrong shoes
  • The sun was in my eyes
  • Forgot to trim my nails
  • I'd lead it, but my partner would have trouble following it
  • We were going to do , but somebody was on it
  • My Land Cruiser is double parked
  • i'd do it, but this is my old rope and i don't want to take falls on it (or) --->
  • i'd do it, but this is my new rope and i don't want to take falls on it
  • weather's looking iffy
  • i just ate a big meal (or) --->
  • i haven't eaten enough today
  • these pants restrict my motion too much
  • this problem seems harder than last time - I think a hold must have broken off
  • it's too early - let's do something else to warm up first
  • damn - I forgot to get the beta for that one section
  • holds are getting too polished from all the climbers
  • I'm not used to (sandstone/granite/quartzite/gritstone/rhyolite/mud)
  • I'm not used to (sport/trad)
  • I think there is a (insert name of favorite heinous maneuvre - fist jam, arm bar, knee jam) on this pitch - you wanna lead?



Q: How do you get a blonde to climb on the roof? A: Tell her that the drinks are on the house


A party of economists was climbing in the Alps. After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun. Finally he said, ' OK see that big mountain over there?'
'Yes', answered the others eagerly.
'Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it.


A little old lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs. Several months later, the doctor took off the cast. "Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady. "Yes," he replied. "Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!"


You might be a climber if...

  • You've ever frozen your lips to an ice screw trying to blow an ice plug at your partner.
  • You've ever had icicles hanging from any part of your body.
  • You enjoy pain.
  • You have a piece of webbing/cord at your desk to play with when you get bored.
  • You've ever spent any time in a crevasse.
  • You won't spend 100 on a suit, but own 500 in Gortex.
  • You've ever written something in a summit register you shouldn't have.
  • You've ever had to go outside into a negative 30 degree windchill to... yeah, you know.
  • Socks that are three days old are too clean to change.
  • Your sunscreen is always in a solid state when you need it most.
  • What you call cold is not on the thermometer scale.
  • You arrive at the crag with stoppers and friends still in your bag.
  • You've ever fallen so far that you've run out of adrenaline before you ran out of rope.
  • A bus driver has ever had to open his window because of the way you smelled.
  • You've used an ice ax to clean off the front steps in winter.
  • You wake up, put on your harness and shoes, and then realize it's a workday.
  • You can't remember the last time you did something other than climb on vacation.
  • You see every vertical surface as a potential climb.
  • You climb your friend's fireplace.
  • You know how to get on your roof without a ladder.
  • You have no idea why your hands are bleeding.
  • Your climbing equipment is worth more than your car.
  • You still don't own a car, but your rack is worth as much as most finer German autos.
  • When you can't climb, you stoop so low as to read rec.climbing.
  • When walking down a cracked sidewalk, you're thinking, "That'd be a good hand hold."
  • If you've ever climbed so hard it hurts to hold onto the steering wheel on the way home.
  • You've ever driven all night so you could climb all day.
  • You have more summit pictures than wedding pictures.
  • You don't walk down stairs, you rappel.
  • You insist that you only buy climbing magazines for the articles.



How can you tell Santa is a climbing bum? He's got a beard, always wears the same clothes, and only works one day a year.


A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed, so he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh, shit! It's so late, my wife's going to kill me! Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands. Then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is really pissed off. "Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah?" She grabs his hands, which are covered with white powder, and screams, "You liar! You went climbing again!!!


A guide is leading a client up a challenging first ascent. Every time the guide gets to a particularly dangerous section, he stops and puts on the same red shirt. The guide climbs pitch after difficult pitch, beautifully. As they near the top, the client finally asks about the red shirt. "If I had fallen," says the wise and courageous guide, " this shirt would disguise the blood, and you would not be frightened and loose heart." "Amazing," thought the client, marveling at this forethought. The next day, as they neared the summit, a section more difficult than any before loomed above them. The guide started up, then downclimbed and started rummaging in his pack. "What are you looking for?," asked the client. "My brown pants."


So these two mountain guides meet up at the base of a route and one notices that the other has new ice tools. "What'd ya pay for those?" he asked. "Nothing. I was climbing the other day and this beautiful woman walked up, threw down her new tools, stripped off her one piece and said I could have anything I wanted" "Oh. Good choice," said the other guide. "Her one piece would never have fit you."


So this mountain guide bites it in a climbing accident. Of course for all his sin's he goes to Hell. As he is rappelling down through Hell with the Devil to his appointed station he sees this other guide whom he knows that also just cashed in his bingo chips. However he is in the arms of this gorgeous naked babe. He turns to the Devil and asks "What's up with this, how come this scumbag has this beautiful woman in his arms." The Devil turns to him and says "Never you mind, that woman's punishment is my concern".


Three Guides die and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first German Guide, "What is Easter?" The Guide replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the French Guide the same question, "What is Easter?" The French Guide replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second Guide, shakes his head in disgust,tells him he's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the Canadian Guide. He asks, "What is Easter?" The Canadian Guide smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third Guide continues: "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."


Three mountain guides are sitting around a campfire deciding to hold up below treeline, out on the lonesome, each with the bravado for which guides are famous. A night of tall tales begins... The first guide says, "I must be the meanest, toughest guide there is. Why, just the other day, an ornery bull elk got loose in Banff and gored six tourists before I wrestled him to the ground by the horns with my bare hands." The second guide, not to be outdone, boasted: "Why that's nothin'. I was climbing in Skaha walking the trail yesterday and a 15 foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that varmint with my bare hands, bit it's head off, and sucked the poison right out of my arm. And I'm still here today." The third guide remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.


Ways to spot your addicted to mountaineering

  • You insist to others that you really buy climbing magazines for the articles
  • When self arrest doesn't mean you turn yourself in to the police station
  • Your gear rack is worth more than your house
  • Your bivvy bag remains set up in your bedroom
  • When you holiday in the death zone rather than the tropical zone
  • The majority of your "friends" are hanging on your rack
  • A Matterhorn topo is on your living room wall
  • You no longer have anything in common with most other people
  • All your relatives keep referring to you as the crazy one in the family
  • You keep finding carabiners all around your house and in your car
  • Your spare bedroom looks like the local Patagonia shop
  • The first thing you find in your house to toast marshmallows with is an ice screw
  • If the contents of your pack cost more than your wedding, and your honeymoon includes "candlelight" dinners, during a bivouac at sixteen thousand feet
  • When your pets are named after famous mountains
  • You refuse to date anyone who doesn't know how to belay
  • You decorate your house with training holds all over the ceiling and walls
  • When clicking down this page, you feel your finger tendons hurt from yesterdays unreasonable boulder session
  • When your friends won't go hiking with you anymore because you spend to much time grading the surrounding peaks
  • You have replaced the posters in your kids room with topo's of Half Dome and El-Cap
  • Your tent is worth more than your car
  • Your girlfriend/boyfriend breaks up with you for shouting climbing terms during sex